Woolworths can't help itself. They physically cannot release a normal chocolate bar. No, no. That would be beneath them. It has to be chocolate with notes, with layers, with a backstory. It must be infused with rose, whispered to by caramel, kissed by brandy, sung a lullaby in the factory. Somewhere along the way, a soul is gently folded in. That’s how they get you. It follows, then, that Valentine's Day is the Woolies Superbowl, and right on cue, they've released seasonal sweeties that have us going absolutely feral. Let's unwrap what's new!
Joe & Seph’s Caramel Macchiato and Whisky Popcorn Bites
Somebody in the Woolies marketing department suggested normal caramel-coated popcorn, and everybody laughed at him. Then they fired him and repossessed his house.
There's no room for conventional popcorn on Valentine's Day, and especially not at Woolworths. Your first bite is crunchy and sweet. Familiar, safe. Then the caramel macchiato kicks in. The whisky hits the back of your throat. You realise this is the snack version of a guy who understands Bitcoin.
Did you think you were going to stop after one handful? Hilarious.
Joe & Seph’s Raspberry And Rose Chocolate Popcorn Slab
We continue on the popcorn train. Except, this time, you've got a slab. It snaps cleanly, because of course it does. It even smells expensive.
Can we talk about the flavour infused into this thing? Raspberry brings the sharpness. Rose brings the romance. The white chocolate adds a level of richness that feels a little criminal.
You’ll consider cutting it into neat pieces and saving some for later. You won't follow through with this, though. Let's not be delusional.
Sugar-Crusted Cherry Brandy Liqueurs in Dark Chocolate
One bite of these, and you immediately understand why they're on the shelves that the kids can't reach.
First, there’s the dark chocolate. Rich. Serious. Probably raised by a multilingual nanny in the Swiss Alps. Then there’s a sugar crust on top, because Woolworths decided the chocolate needed jewellery. The inside? Cherry brandy. Not a hint. Not a suggestion. A smack in the face that inexplicably makes you very happy.
Your mouth needs a moment to process what just happened. Maybe you need to take a cold shower.
Boozy Belgian Cocktail Chocolate Selection
Sometimes, it seems like Woolies is just trolling us. How are these guys making chocolates look like ancient pottery? They're even marbled, for goodness sake.
Each chocolate is inspired by a cocktail, which means every bite is a gamble. Is it sweet? Boozy? Acceptable to eat before noon? Nobody knows. That’s part of the thrill.
Good luck trying to exercise portion control here.
Valentine’s Day Giant Fortune Cookie
Bite-sized fortune cookies are for plebs, apparently. This one's bigger than a 1-bedroom apartment in Cape Town, and probably offers more value for money.
You're not even mad about the supersized crumbs, because when you crack it open, a little avalanche of sour cherry gums tumbles across the counter. Sweets inside of sweets? You get it, Woolworths. You get it.
Valentine’s Giant Chunky Chocolate Biscuit
This biscuit is a unit. Thick. Heavy. Built like a boet from Fourways.
It's crisp on the outside, soft in the middle, and packed with chocolate that melts slowly as you chew. The sprinkles and mini marshmallows are a nice touch. You were worried you weren't taking in enough calories You don’t 'snack' on this biscuit. This is a sit-down affair. Pour a drink. Focus. This is not a treat. It's a session.
At this point, Woolworths isn’t even selling Valentine’s treats. They’re running social experiments. They want to see how far they can push you before you say, “Okay, but why is this a thing?" Truthfully, though, you don't want the answer to that question. It's not important.
We're pretty sure these treats were intended for gifting. You might even put them in a cute little bag. But deep down, you already know: this chocolate was never meant to leave your house.
We've got great news for you. Woolies hasn't stopped at Valentine's Day sweets. There are more new products on the shelves, and we can't get enough of them. Click here for a taste of our favourites.
